Plus-one etiquette: who gets one, and how to say it

A plus one is an invitation for a guest to bring someone you have not named, usually a date. The etiquette is simple to state and harder to hold to: decide one rule, apply it to everyone, and let the invitation say it for you. Most plus-one arguments come from exceptions, not from the rule itself.

Who should get a plus one?

• Anyone married, engaged or living with a partner, whose partner you invite by name (strictly, that is not a plus one at all)
• Members of the wedding party, who are giving you a whole day and often more
• Guests who will know almost nobody else at the wedding
• Guests traveling a long way, for whom the wedding is a whole weekend

Long-term partners who do not live together are the gray area. A common line is a relationship of a year or more, or one you have met. Whatever line you choose, write it down and use it for both sides of the family.

Who does not need a plus one?

Single guests who will be among friends, colleagues invited as a group, and anyone you are inviting partly out of obligation. If your guest list is tight, plus ones are the most honest place to cut, because every one of them is a stranger at your table, and a stranger costs the same per head as your oldest friend.

How do you show a plus one on the invitation?

By naming who is invited. If the partner is invited, use their name. If a guest may bring someone of their choosing, write "and Guest". If a guest is invited alone, write only their name, and nothing else needs to be said. Say the same thing in the message you send with the link: "we would love to see you" to a guest invited alone, "we would love to see you both" to a guest with a partner.

An online RSVP helps here in a quieter way: it asks each guest for the names of everyone they are bringing, so an unexpected name appears in your list the day it is sent, not on the day of the wedding. That leaves time for a friendly phone call.

What do you say when someone asks for a plus one?

Something short, warm and identical to what you have told everyone else. If the answer is the same for everybody, you are not judging their relationship; you are explaining a rule.

We would love to say yes, and we have had to keep the numbers very tight, so we are only inviting partners we have met. We cannot wait to see you there.

Our venue holds a hundred people and we are at a hundred, so we are not able to offer plus ones. I hope you understand, and I promise you will know plenty of people at your table.

What if a guest brings someone anyway?

On the day, be gracious and find a chair; a scene at the door costs more than a meal. Before the day, if a reply arrives with an extra name, call the guest rather than writing back, and say the same sentence you would say to anyone. Most people who add a name have simply not read the invitation closely.

A plus-one rule only has to be fair. It does not have to be generous.

Do plus ones need to be seated with their guest?

Always. A plus one is there because of one person, and seating them apart leaves a stranger alone at a table. Put the couple together and, if you can, at a table where the guest knows the most people.