What the wedding party actually does
A plain list of what you can reasonably ask of the people standing beside you: before the day, on the morning, and during the reception.
The short version
- Tell your wedding party what you are asking of them when you ask, in writing.
- Their real jobs are before the day, on the morning and at the reception, not just standing at the front.
- Be clear early about what they will pay for, so anyone can say no privately.
- Share one page with the schedule and who does what.
Most people say yes to being in a wedding party without any idea what they have agreed to, and most couples never say. The result is a group of willing people waiting to be asked for something, and a couple doing everything themselves out of politeness.
Here is what is reasonable to ask. Send this to them, or something like it, when you ask.
Before the day
- Turn up to the fittings, on time, in the shoes you will actually wear
- Help chase RSVPs from the friend group they know better than you do
- Organize the pre-wedding party, within a budget everybody has agreed
- Be a second opinion when asked, and not when not
- Know the schedule for the day well enough to answer a guest without checking
On the morning
- Arrive when asked, not when convenient
- Carry the emergency kit: safety pins, plasters, a phone charger, painkillers, a snack
- Keep the room calm. This is the real job, and the hardest one
- Manage the family member who is anxious, so the couple do not have to
- Have the rings, and know where they are without patting a pocket
At the ceremony and reception
- Get people seated when the schedule says seated
- Speeches: short, kind, and rehearsed out loud at least twice
- Point lost guests at the right room, the toilets and the bar
- Watch for anybody sitting alone and go and talk to them
- Hand over any final payments the couple has left with you
- Make sure the couple actually eat something
That last one sounds like a joke and is not. Couples routinely reach midnight having eaten nothing since breakfast, and somebody has to notice.
What is not reasonable to ask
Unlimited money, unlimited time, and emotional labor with no end. Be specific about the cost of the outfit and say it early; be specific about which days you need them; and if somebody says no to being in the wedding party, let it go graciously. There is usually a reason they are not telling you, and it is rarely about you.
A wedding party is not a group of assistants. It is the people you want standing next to you, who are also willing to carry safety pins.
One page, shared
Write the timings and the phone numbers down once and share them with everybody who has a job on the day: the wedding party, both sets of parents, and any supplier who needs to know when to arrive. A run sheet everyone can see prevents almost every small crisis that happens on a wedding morning.
Common questions
What are the duties of the wedding party?
Before the day: fittings, chasing RSVPs from their own friend group, organizing the pre-wedding party and knowing the schedule. On the morning: arriving on time, carrying an emergency kit, keeping the room calm and looking after the rings. At the reception: getting people seated, giving a short rehearsed speech, looking after lost or lonely guests, and making sure the couple eat.
Should we tell the wedding party what we expect?
Yes, in writing and when you ask them, not months later. Most people say yes without knowing what they have agreed to, and then wait to be asked for something while the couple do everything themselves out of politeness.
How much should we expect the wedding party to pay for?
Be specific and say it early: usually their own outfit and their share of the pre-wedding party. Anyone who cannot afford it should be able to say so privately without it being awkward, so raise the numbers before they have committed.
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